An Australian's Guide To North America

    HONOLULU, HAWAII
    Kind of like Vegas (see below), but without the gambling, neon or even any redeeming feature. Full of middle-aged, bloated Americans with no dress sense (or any other sense really) gorging themselves at 24-hour breakfast buffets.
    Pissed down with rain the entire time I was there.
    Found a cellar bar straight out of 'Cheers' - even down to the philosophising bartender - but at least it had Guinness on tap.
    VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA
    Big country town, full of strange people. Kind of like Adelaide, give or take about 30 degrees.
    Accidentally walked in on a gay pickup in a men's room at a shopping mall. Haven't been to the toilet since.
    Local beer of choice: No apparent microbreweries.
    VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA
    Capital of BC - the parliament building looks like Disneyland at night. Good bands there though (the city that is, not Parliament).
    Almost managed to convert a methodist preacher to Satanism.
    Local beer of choice: a dark ale who's name eludes me.
    SEATTLE, WASHINGTON STATE
    Home of grunge (Nirvana, Pearl Jam etc). Today, the grunge scene is completely artificial, full of posers trying to maintain the image, which makes them fun to laugh at.
    Nice city though, surrounded by huge mountains that are even visible occasionally.
    Local beer of choice: Total Disorder Porter.
    MT ST HELENS, WASHINGTON STATE
    Big volcano that completely failed to erupt on me.
    Site of my first (but sadly not last) experience with American spray-on cheese.
    REDWOODS NATIONAL PARK, CALIFORNIA
    F**king big trees.
    Some f**king big trees.
    A tree so f**king big you can drive through it.
    SAN FRANCISCO / SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA
    Home of clam chowder and the cable car.
    Took a night tour of Alcatraz: nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
    Local beer of choice: Arrogant Bastard Ale.
    SIERRA NEVADAS, CALIFORNIA (incl YOSEMITE, KINGS CANYON, SEQUOIAS, DEATH VALLEY)
    Kind of like the Flinders Ranges on steroids - lotsa real purdy scenery.
    Yosemite, too, has some f**king big trees...
    ...and some even f**king bigger cliffs.
    Some of the real purdy scenery.
    Mesas just outside Death Valley (or possibly a scene from Star Trek).
    Zabriskie Point, the lowest point in the USA - apart from some LA suburbs, apparently.
    LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
    The Babylon of the modern world.
    A great place to go if you love neon, slot machines, Elvis, kitsch, slot machines, lounge music, slot machines, prostitution, buffets and slot machines.
    Did I mention slot machines? Even the supermarkets and service stations have them in Vegas. I kid you not.
    Vegas is also full of drunken Australians. Made me feel right at home (which was NOT the idea in going there).
    Local beer of choice: are you kidding? Vegas doesn't produce anything. Mind you, even the domestic beer is drinkable when its free...
    GRAND CANYON, NEVADA
    Wow. Just that. Wow.
    No photograph can possibly convey the majesty, the beauty, the sheer awesome hugeness of the place. I took some anyway.
    Sunrise.
    Lumpy bits.
    To give an idea of scale: it took about 2 hours solid walking to get this far down into the canyon (and a hell of a lot longer coming out).
    The mighty Colorado River: even this is tiny in comparison.
    FLAGSTAFF, ARIZONA
    Jack lives there. Actually, quite a number of Jacks live there. It's a fairly common name, after all.
    You can't really get lost out there (we tried hard).
    Local beer of choice: Jack Daniels.
    SEDONA, ARIZONA
    New age centre of the South.
    Full of wierdos, hippies and all the people that prey on wierdos and hippies.
    Spent an afternoon lying in the centre of a 'cosmic vortex', where mystical energies are said to swirl and eddy (the area is apparently full of them). After a while, I felt..... bored.
    TUCSON, ARIZONA
    Didn't spend much time here, but I love the name, and particuarly the way it's pronounced. I think it is the pronunciation of words like TUCSON and ASSHOLE that have made America the great nation it is today.
    NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA
    Decrepit, spooky, Bohemian, alcohol-soaked - how could you not love it?
    Spent Thanksgiving there - the hostel I was staying at deep fried a couple of turkeys for us.
    Local beer of choice: 'Huge Ass Beer' - tastes like shit, but it sure does come in a big glass!
    WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
    Great architecture - the way a national capital should look - but the nightlife was depressingly similar to Canberra.
    Got tours of both the Pentagon and the FBI, but both threw me out when I started asking about the aliens.
    NEW YORK, NEW YORK
    Big, ugly, dirty and unfriendly, but apart from these few good points it didn't have much going for it.
    Forget trying to shop there unless you have a spare month and no credit limit. Oh, and a thick skin - those shop assistants can get downright nasty.
    Times Square is pretty tame these days - I only saw 3 muggings and a stabbing, an all-time low for any given 15 minute period.
    Local beer of choice: anything imported.
    QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC
    The most beautiful city in North America, and also the most friendly - provided you speak French.
    Local beer of choice: 'La Fin Du Monde' (trans: 'The End Of The World') - 9% alc/vol!
    An example of the fine Gothic architecture of Quebec, and also of the fine drizzling rain that seemed to be a permanent feature there.
    MONTREAL, QUEBEC
    My favourite North American city - friendly, easy-going but definitely happening.
    Local beer of choice: the locals all drink Kilkenny Irish Ale.
    TORONTO, ONTARIO
    A big city wannabe - but until they get their violent crime rate up, they're never going to compete with the likes of New York.
    NIAGARA FALLS, ONTARIO
    Well, it's a waterfall.
    Told you so.

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